


For All the Times She Should've Said It

by zolanhras



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Beginning of ME 2, Death, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 00:27:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11771634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zolanhras/pseuds/zolanhras
Summary: Normandy? Burning.Shepard? Spaced.Comms? On.





	For All the Times She Should've Said It

**Author's Note:**

> Recommended listening:
> 
> An End, Once and For All - Clint Mansell

She knew this day might come. It just came so _soon_.

“The Normandy is lost, Jeff. Don’t throw your life away.”

He started, wanting to protest for a moment, before his shoulders sunk. The truth sinking in. Shepard loved the Normandy, but Joker had a connection to the ship all his own. Losing her wouldn’t be easy, but it would be harder if they were both dead.

“Okay.”

Before he could move, the alien ship rounded around for another attack. Within seconds the ship was filled with a blinding yellow beam. It only lasted a moment, but before she could think about what she was doing she picked Joker up fireman style. She was more careful than she normally would be, especially with his legs, but in typical Joker fashion, he still complained.

She hurried over to the escape pod which was barely hanging on to the fractured remains of their home. In zero-grav it was easy to buckle him into the safety net. She searched for a spot to push off to reach the next seat, but was interrupted.

Another burst of light sheared through what was left of the ship, throwing her across the hall. Joker cried out, but she couldn’t hear him.

It suddenly became real. Time slowed as she looked over at Joker, her body still spinning as she met his eyes. She wouldn’t see them again. She tried to communicate everything she couldn’t say in one look, even though she knew it wouldn’t be enough.

In a bat of an eye, her mind ran through everything she still needed to do, to say. She wouldn’t laugh with Joker over a crazy mission or weirdo that they had met. She wouldn’t shrug as Chakwas tended to her wounds, telling her _again,_ that she couldn’t keep getting shot like this. She wouldn’t fight back to back with Wrex, hearts beating as one as he cackled making a good kill. She wouldn’t compare kill counts with Garrus, insisting that _yes_ she did kill that husk, it was too close for him to get it, so she wins. She wouldn’t wake up with an arm wrapped around her and turn to see those warm brown eyes that she trusted with everything she was.

Her eyes flicked back to Joker’s, reading the expression, one she had seen only one other time. Well, not really seen so much as heard. Virmire, and he had been right.

She flicked her wrist and pressed the button to launch, and continued her spin, Joker’s green eyes no longer visible.

A deep pit of anticipation settled in her stomach as she really grasped how she was going to die.

She didn’t have any allusions. Even if by some miracle, her crew got out an SOS, the next Alliance patrol was systems away. Best case scenario, 15 hours. She had 120 minutes of air. 100 now.

100 minutes. Should she try to contact her crew? Could she? How healthy would that be for them anyway, to hear their Commander’s last breaths? Her fingers hovered over her left arm, still undecided. Before she could do anything, her communicator crackled and a familiar voice on speaker.

“Shepard! Shepard, do you copy?” he said.

“Kaidan,” she said, but her voice cracked, not letting her continue.

“Is Joker with you? Did you two make it out okay? We saw that the last pod ejected.”

“Joker’s fine, he’s fine, Kaidan. It wasn’t his fault.” The tears were coming steadily now. If she could just tell him—

“—Kaidan! Kaidan are you there? We need to signal— Shepard, she— She got pushed out— Does your pod have a long range communicator?”

Joker. Shepard closed her eyes, eyelashes wet now, blurring her vision. She could hear the fear coloring his voice.

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Shepard got spaced.”

“No. No, she’s on the comm with me now.”

Silence.

“Shepard?” Joker asked, throat choked with unsaid words.

“ _Jeff,_ I am only going to say this once. It was not, and it will not ever be your fault,” she said. “I love you _so much.”_

“Shepard—” he cried.

“ _Kaidan_ ,” she said. “I wish— God, I wish that I had told you everyday. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. _”_

He tried to respond, but he couldn't make out out the words. That was okay. She already knew.

“Tell the crew that I—”

She heard a slight _pop_ and furiously reached back to feel cool pressure on her fingers. Oxygen was leaking. She had minutes.

“Shepard? Shepard!”

“Jane?”

“Tell the crew that it was an honor, and that they damn well better go out there and live their lives well. Or they have to answer to me.

“And Kaidan, don’t you dare hang onto me. I don’t want that for you. _Let me go._ ”

“Shepard—”

She felt the air thin, and she took more breaths. Seconds.

“Turn your comm off!”

“What—”

He didn't understand. She didn't have enough time to explain. There was only one thing she wanted to say anyway.

“I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou—”

For all those times she should’ve said it.

“Shepard!”

She couldn’t talk. The air was too thin. All she could do now was gasp.

“Don’t you leave me! _Shepard! Shepard!_ ”

She thought she was ready. She had known ever since she met Joker’s eyes that she wasn’t going to make it. But as the stars around her dimmed, she wept. She wanted to live. She wanted to live _so bad._

The rest of Kaidan and Joker’s shouting fell on ringing ears. She couldn’t hear anymore, couldn’t breathe. So she mouthed and sent him what she felt. Maybe somehow he would get it.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

She could barely move her lips. Darkness began to wash over her, muffling the panic.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you _so much._


End file.
